May 17, 2012

The truth shall set you free...

FOREWORD: Definitely not a winge, totally malice-free, mostly tongue-in-cheek thoughts on the inconsequential whilst gaining a little cathartic purging of musings..  ☺


Adjective: 1. Of, relating to, or characterized by competition.
                2. Having or displaying a strong desire to be more 
                    successful than others.

Doesn't sound so bad does it? I could deal with that... oh, hang on... how about some synonyms?

Synonyms: aggressive, ambitious, antagonistic, at odds, ombative, competing, cut-throat, dog-eat-     dog, emulous, killer instinct, opposing, rival, streetwise, vying

Well, that's a little craptastic considering what I'm about to tell...

In the past week or so I've had a friend (probably one of my closest friends since shifting to the country life) tell me that she see's me as being quite competitive... followed with the phrase... "but it's okay, in a good way."

(So, now I'm hoping that "in a good way" means I can strike out most all those synonyms... maybe except streetwise - I'd take streetwise)

She honestly is the first person that I can recall actually telling me this (and I in turn told her this). I've never thought myself overly competitive - well, not to the point that it would be considered a word to describe my personality... so naturally I was surprised as I truly just don't see myself as being competitive. Thirty plus some years and I'm only just being told and learning of this now!

(And if you're reading this, my friend... I'm not losing sleep, I'm over  semi-over it... and I think I'm cool with it... I know I'll laugh about it with you over a bottle of red I'm sure - perhaps whilst challenging you to a cook-off... oooh bu*#er and shoot, that's just reminded me I have in the past mentioned the term 'cook-off'... in a competitive challenge to you - and to others present at the declaration time too! Have I been so ignorant to it? Blinded by my own competitiveness?)

In my quest of acceptance (or of proving this assessment wrong), sitting around having morning catch up coffee with this friend and another I asked the obvious... "Do I really come across as competitive?"

I don't believe there was one as they were too busy laughing their guts out at the fact I clearly didn't believe myself to be competitive. Is it that blatantly obvious that my ignorance is hilarious?

Hmm... fast forward a couple of hours.

Home with the hubs, I call out to him as he's rummaging through things in another room:
"Would you describe me as competitive?"

An all too telling silence... (insert birds whistling/elevator music)... I swear, I could almost hear his sweat inducing panicked thoughts.... 

"What's the right answer? Is there a right answer? Does she want an answer? Surely it's rhetorical? Does she want the truth? Does she ever want the truth? How will she handle the cold hard facts? What SHOULD I say? What does she want me to say? I won't say anything. Will she ignore the non-answer? Will the silence make her believe she know's my answer? (which I will subtly note: It does!) "

Eventually, he braved a rather meek, "Well, you are a kind of determined... (followed by an even more sheepish) ...kind of in a stubborn way."

Hmm... I decided to press him more (plus imagining the new wave of flurried thoughts he'd be struck with kind of amused me), "Okay, so give me an example. What have I done that would demonstrate my being competitive?"

That, my friends was answered with the, I'm just going to crack a huff, tell her she's over analysing and beat a hasty retreat to my shed (aka man-cave).

Well, I guess maybe I am just a little competitive. Maybe I'd just never thought to consider myself so.
Is it so bad? I'd like to think not... mostly I think that if I were to consider myself competitive it would be in opposition to myself because I will easily admit that I don't mind setting myself challenges, bettering last efforts and wanting to do and be better (and yes, this does at times cause self-induced stress of varying proportions). 

The more I think of it the more examples that come to mind of my prior offending competitiveness, like:

How (in another life-time) when I was a police prosecutor one of the more regular criminal lawyers and I would keep a friendly running tally of our head-to-head bar table battles...

And yes, I loved - and miss at times - the argument, adrenaline and intensity that could be found in the courtroom (and the prep before when formulating the arguments, researching the legislation and case law and nothing beat the feeling of using that research to win... now I do pretty much the same - but at home and the topic of argument is toy equality and daily candy cut off times and the law of the household, which I must say has case law in a class of it's own)...

The time I did an evening time test (with an outdoor fitness group I trained with) for a run and failed to beat my last test time by only 8 seconds and how I was so cut that I got up at 5am the next morning to re-run the test with the morning session... just so I could better my time...

Oh... and shame on me... how if someone would get on the treadmill beside me at the gym I'd keep on running... harder... longer... lest they think me an unfit slug... tell me you do that too? Surely?  

Oh and woe me... the list is gaining momentum!

I'm a big girl.
I can handle it.

My name (or pseudonym as is the case) is The SpaNGler.
I have a competitive streak.
I was in denial.

But now... 
I am free because I do believe: 

 "The truth will set you free"

(unless of course you are guilty of a crime punishable by imprisonment and are found so... :P )

So with that I do believe that I am now over it - purged of the dilemma, cathartically cleansed via the typed word - and in acceptance (even if it is still with a shadow of reluctance) of the fact that I am a competitive person (but hopefully minus all those horrible synonyms).

So, do you have a personality trait or even perhaps a realisation about yourself that was many years in the making?

Enlighten me... I'd love to hear from you!


P.S. FatMumSlims Photo update.
DAY 16 (catch up): What I'm reading

The books on my bedside table, 
"FreeStyle Handmade Bags & Skirts" - because you know I love to sew and sewing books do it for me!
"Gran's Kitchen"  - because I love cooking, particularly good old fashioned country style home cooking.
"Nine Dragons" - because I'm ever so slightly addicted to Michael Connelly novels.
"The Power of Now" - because I think we all need to be reminded from time to time that all we have is this very moment right now.

What are you reading at the moment?

DAY 17: Snack

What do you think of when you see this:

I think of childhood parties and happy, carefree times... Fairy bread - it's a food group all of it's own ♥

P.P.S. Can you tell I also like to talk from the amount I like to type? No new realisations there... I've known for since forever that I love to talk... too much... 
just ask my hubs... I'm sure it falls into one of those categories of 'cute when I met you... but now after 11 years?'

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